Sunday, February 16, 2014
Along with "The Apoplectic Pencil," another character has been blamed for the cheating scandal. This time "The Fiendish Eraser" is being fingered as a possible accomplice and is being sought for questioning.
Because of confessional therapy being conducted by the CIA, former Superintendent Beverly Hall was not available for comment. Instead, indicted teacher Derrick Broadwater stated that she swears she saw the mysterious "Fiendish Eraser" several times during the exams, along with "The Apoplectic Pencil."
Apparently, the pair worked as team to mislead the testing council into thinking that students provided correct answers.
"Although we don't exactly how the two operated, we believe one would do the 'dirty work', while the other one would mark the correct answer."
Atlanta Mayor Kassim Reed immediately agreed that "The Eraser" had to be involved. "You can't trust anything that's pink and is not Bubble Yum!"
Atlanta Police are asking the public to come forward with any information. Interpol is expected to become involved in the case, as the pair is believe to have fled to Canada.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Seasoned scientist and expert meteorologists at the National Weather Service (NWS) in Peachtree City downgraded the system from a "Major Catastrophic Deadly Winter Storm Warning" to an "Annoying Wet Fart."
"We tracked this system for days and named it 'Pax' after one of the guy's viscous box turtles ," stated Bernard Nitz, a lead meteorologist at NWS and amateur clairvoyant, "Now the storm can pax its bags and go home."
Governor Nathan Deal, who comically blundered the last winter storm on January 28, took no chances this time around, as he initiated a State of Emergency and put around 500 member of the National Guard on standby.
"We ain't gonna have no repeat of the last episode," Governor Deal said referring to the string of poor decisions that created a perfect storm for commuters, who are still stranded and sleeping on floors in local Bass Pro Shops.
"We called in the National Guard to dig in for a possible last stand against this 'Pax," the governor stated defiantly. "If it looked like the storm was gonna get the better of us, the National Guard was gonna execute 'Operation Sherman' and burn down Hotlanta. Kinda like a 'Scorched Earth Policy.'"
The 500 members of the National Guard have stood down and are enjoying their free time by playing the game, "Hey ya'll! Watch this!"
Sunday, February 9, 2014
US Sochi Winter Olympic Athletes Forced to Turn-in Gold MetalsThe winter games are going exceptionally well for "Team US." Maybe too good! Upon their return from Sochi, all US Athletes from the 2014 Winter Olympics will be required to turn-in their gold metals.
Due to a little know clause in the 1971 law that took the United States off the gold standard, imported goods made from gold will be confiscated by custom officers.
"Athletes shouldn't worry too much," Federal Reserve Chairman Janet Yellen stated, "as the gold medals will be upgraded to worthless paper substitutes backed by the full faith and credit of the US government and its people."
"When asked, you mean the same government that brought social medical care, bailed out itself and big business while leaving private citizens paying the bill?," Ms. Yellen answered, "Yes. Why do you ask?"
"The medals will be melted down into gold bullion or used to line my bathtub," Yellen commented.
Ms. Yellen continued her plans on gold consolidation, "Next month we'll be stopping the wide proliferation of gold teeth fillings and commandeering those too."
"Unless you're this 'Mr. Flava Flav,' or the other celebrities with the gold grills, you shouldn't have much to worry about. America, your government is in control. Go and continue supporting our boys and girls in Sochi," a mesmerizing Yellen commanded.
Local Bible Study Group Makes Historical Discoveries"Jumping Rope for Jesus," the name of a local Bible study group, have been meeting for years but never thought they, themselves, would making history.
"Our Sunday and Wednesday study sessions are very serious and typically consisted of donuts, Amy Grant, giggles, and passing judgement on other religions and life-styles, but this past week we made some eye-opening discoveries," Samantha Jones lamented.
"Yeah! Amazingly, we can't read or understand a lick of ancient biblical languages, you know like, Aramaic, Greek, or Latin. I guess it's because we are chosen ones. Or, maybe 'something' might have accidentally fallen into the grape juice that opened our third-eye," Anthony Barabag said sheepishly.
"I wouldn't use the word epiphany, as I don't know what that means, but think, like, the word 'magical' best describes our discoveries," Barabag glowered.
"All of our discoveries were 'magical' except for one," a shaken Pamela Winston recalls. When pressed to tell what happened, Ms. Winston hesitated for a few minutes, then explained, "Well, when we turned to The New Testament, there was some handwritten ancient text telling us to turn to page 1130. And like good Christians, we mindlessly obeyed."
Ms. Winston continued, "On page 1130, it told us to find the John 3:13, which we did. Then in John 3:13, it told us to go to page 201." Under hypnosis, Winston remembered this went on for weeks, until the group hit a dead-end.
"When we got to the last set of instructions, we flipped the page to discover someone had scribed a set of buttocks with an annotation containing 'Kiss It!,'" Barabag interrupted. "It left us empty, puzzled, and scared! Was this a doomsday prophecy? I guess we'll need to leave that to the true scholars."
Other discoveries uncovered by "Jumping Rope for Jesus" include:
- The blind man was not actually possessed by demons, but was suffering from myopia. Jesus' sponsorship with Lens Crafters got the man back on track and reading "The Red Sea Gazette" the very next day.
- Jesus and the 12 disciples were more of an annoying fraternity, known for epic hazing and pranks. "Baptism in the Jordan River" was one such prank, which consists of one of the disciples dipping another's sleeping hand into a bucket of water. Fortunately, this practice didn't catch on in modern church practices.
- The miracle at the wedding at Cana was pretty impressive, but the ungracious guests complained they wanted more of a Merlot and not that "cheep Nazarene crap." Jesus threatened to change the beverage into Gatorade until "attitudes improved."
- When Jesus calmed the Sea of Galilee, he was not just doing it to fortify Peter's faith but to find a set of keys for his jet-ski, which went missing the night before.
- The Romans were a bunch of assholes...and still are.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
"It was a very tough decision to make," Mr. Strabinskayakornova recalls in a thick Russian accent. "It's rare I take break with coffee and donut, but was God's will for me to go hungry and hungover...again."
"When I see light broken, and no number 5 circle, I knew 'Putin will be very pissed,'" Strabinskayakornova continued to run through the events, "so I realized donut same size as number 5 ring, so I nailed it up. No problem!"
Mr. Strabinskayakornova will received "The Bronze Eclair", the highest civilian honor offered by Dunkin Donuts, and will be presented by both President Vladimir Putin and Mr. Duncan C. Donutz himself.
"All I want is to have replacement chocolate sprinkles," Strabinskayakornova chanted.
Boxes of delicious Dunkin Donut's will now be standard issue for all electricians and custodians throughout Olympic Park.